Celebrating 5 years of Remincade infusions with the Richmond Half Marathon!!!!

This fall was the 5th anniversary of my Remicade infusions! I haven't written a blog post in forever and so I felt like the 5th year anniversary of Remicade and yesterdays completion of the Richmond Half Marathon were reason enough to fire up the old blog!! Where to begin... So much has happened over the last 5 years. I have had 6 surgeries, 51 Remicade infusions, 6 units of iron pumped through my veins, married my best friend, run more races than I can count, ohhhhh and had a baby :).  SO MUCH!!! Over the years I have claimed countless verses.. "In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart because I have overcome the world"... "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I WILL give you rest"..."Now to Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than ALL we ask or imagine"... "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me"...these are just a few of my favorite verses. These words have carried me through the last 5 years, and yesterday felt like the most incredible way to praise Jesus for the miracle that the last 5 years has been! We have all prayed for healing... we believe God for healing more today than the day I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis. We believe He is able, and we believe that He wrote this beautiful journey of ours. We have asked...and sometimes begged...for him to heal this physical pain and incurable disease or to use it to glorify Him and further His kingdom. Well there have been way too many hosptial visits for me to count, lots of surgerys, 3 cancer scars, blood clots, infections, but God has trumped all those trials with a beautiful healthy baby, a husband who loves me well, friends and family who have come alongside us to help carry this burden, and He has given me the strength to run. These are living, breathing, tangible miracles that have carried me through some of my hardest days. It may not look like physical healing, but He has healed my heart from the bitterness and the sadness that accompanies an incurable diagnosis. God's faithfulness has been magnified more in these last 5 years than in the other 23 years combined. I have been the sickest I have ever been, and I have seen Jesus and felt his mercies deeper than words could ever describe. Yesterday was an emotional day for so many reasons..Running the half marathon was not done in my own strength; it was through His. The Lord has placed a group of girls in my life at the perfect time.  They have exemplified incredible determination and perseverance. These girls have seen me at some of my lowest points this past year and they have loved me, encouraged me, and have run alongside me saying.."Beautiful girl you can do hard things".. and "You CAN do this"... I am so so grateful for these girls! When I got to the finish line and saw Dante, Bella and my dad all cheering me on, all I could do was cry...happy tears of course! I cried at so many points in the race because I was doing it...I was running ANOTHER half marathon.. doctors look at me like I am crazy when I tell them how much I love to run. They have cautioned me on countless occasions...and yesterday God showed up! He always does...and I couldnt help but cry and reminiss over all He has done these past 5 years. A blog post, facebook status, or instagram update will NEVER do his faithfulness justice. One of the songs on my playlist prompted me to make a little flipgram, and my prayer is that through these pictures you see past a crazy smile or a funny face and you see Jesus and His answered prayers. Physical healing or not, my life is a miracle. My husband, our healthy baby, and the ability to run half marathons are daily reminders that God is still a God of miracles.  God has allowed this incurable disease and along with it He has blessed me with the most incredible people to battle this disease right along with me! To God be the glory!!!!!!! To each of you who have prayed and encouraged me... you are such a HUGE part of our story and I am so thankful for you!!!! I hope you enjoy the pictures :) You have to click the link below to view the flipgram!
http://flipagram.com/f/M36ot3QoD0

Im Baaaack…

I think I have started this post 100 times, and I end up not completing it because I cant seem to do this last year justice. So much has happened, and I want to talk about it all but my goal is not to bore you, hence my delay in posting. So here is my attempt to catch you up on “life, love, and other mysteries”….. (point of grace humor… hopefully you got it)!!

This is my first post as Ellie Bucci!! It is still so fun to say that.. I would like to blame my lack of blogging 100% on the pre wedding prep, as well as the post wedding “honeymoon phase”, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I would have to say that I have been somewhat at a loss for words. SHOCKER… I know. You see I have said it before and I will say it again.. I want you to know and understand me, not a facebook belief of who I am and how my life is going, but really me. It is easy to put up the fun pictures of our incredibly precious house, and all our fun trips; however it is a little more difficult to verbalize, and portray the things that you don’t see. Please understand me correctly what you see on facebook is the real deal. I love my husband more than words will ever express, I love our house, our dog, and I am honestly the happiest I have ever been. So please keep that all in perspective as you read this post.

You see Dante and I have been together for almost 3 years. He has been here with me through 2 surgerys/cancer scares, so one would think having dealt with these things in our dating and engagement that they would be non issues once we got married.. Things would all stay the same. This is not the case, while Dante has remained the constant, and even more of servant, more loving, and more caring than I could have ever imagined I had in my mind different expectations on myself. I think any newly wed woman can relate to my expectations. I wanted to be the perfect wife.. you know the one who has life together, laundry done, dinner planned out, happy ALWAYS, and to my surprise I wasn’t living up to my standard of perfection. I think it became glaringly obvious oh maybe the morning after our wedding. I got pretty sick the day before my wedding, and remained sick through our honeymoon and early months of marriage. A week after we got back from our honeymoon I had my first treatment as Ellie Bucci, and also my first appointment with Dr. Finke as a married woman. It felt like our first appointment all over again. We talked about so many things. My blood levels had slowly been dropping and we had been putting off making changes till after our wedding.  I don’t think I was quite as aware of where my levels were at but to spare you the details they hadn’t been that low in almost 2 years. She gave me two options. To either increase my dose or decrease the time between treatments. I was on a six week plan and by decreasing my time between treatments she wanted me to start coming every 5 weeks. It was my first major medical decision as a married woman and I felt horrible. I felt like saying, “ok honestly you couldn’t have just given us a little time”, “why couldn’t it just be easy, we just got back from our honeymoon, and we already have to make yucky decisions”. Well it gets worse… she then started talking through fertility. Let me make this clear… WE ARENT PREGNANT…. Hahaha but prior to our wedding there was never any question of pregnancy or getting pregnant therefore Dr. Finke and I hadn’t really talked about it. Well now that we are married it was something that needed to be talked through. She said that she doesn’t advise any of her patients to get pregnant unless in remission. So of course my first questions was “have I ever been in remission”? to which she answered, “NO”.

Remember in that very first appointment when I felt like the walls were closing in… well it was kind of ironic that we were in the exact same room, and those very same walls were suffocating me. I kinda wanted her to just stop talking, not because I was mad at her, but because I was mad at what she was saying. If you know Dante and I you know that we LOVE children and for anyone to imply that children wouldn’t be a good idea was like a kick in the stomach, and while she wasn’t saying it was a never gunna happen kinda thing, it still was not something I wanted to think about.

As a new wife I felt like the furthest thing from perfect. I felt more like a burden than anything else. Here we had only been married for 2 weeks and we were already talking about more treatments, which translates to more sick time, more nausea, more fatigue, and more melt downs. This was Not my idea of the honeymoon phase to be honest. I have to remind myself that God knew. This isn’t a surprise to him.

So In Gods perfect timing a few days after treatment and the appointment with Dr. Finke Dante sent me my morning bible verse… This is not something out of the norm, he started sending me morning bible verses early on in our dating relationship…  and this one could not have been any more perfect! It was exactly what I need. The verse was,

2 Corinthians 12:9

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

In remission, or not… God’s grace has to be sufficient, and I will NEVER be the perfect wife. However if through this weakness I can bring glory to God and show just how good and perfect his will is.. then I am gunna boast all the more gladly about the trials of my physical weakness.

I think satan hates to see all the incredible things that God is doing through Dante and I. Therefore he thinks that he can bring us down by throwing all this junk in our path. Well I am here to tell you that inspite of the meltdowns, and the hard days. I have a husband who is darn near perfect, and I have never felt so blessed. God knew before I was born all that was going to happen. He brought an incredible man along side me to help bare these burdens and I am so grateful. For now we are enjoying all that the Lord has blessed us with, and the other stuff well we will take it as it comes! God is faithful, and his Love endures FOREVER : )

I am really going to try and keep blogging! I have lots more updates to talk about but I wanted to fill you in on the latest… This week was treatment so pray for a quick recovery! God Bless you all!!! 

Rocking Chairs ♥

I know I say this every time, but honestly and truly know it has been forever… FAR FAR too long.. haha I have let the blogging community down and for that I am sorry. Here is my horrible attempt to make up for some lost time!!!!

Life the past few months has been crazy to say the least. We have been planning for a wedding which by the way, is 5 months from today!! I couldn’t be more excited!! I started my masters J (6 weeks into an 8 week class and I have an A which is all thanks to my wonderful fiancé), and last but certainly not least we found the most precious house there ever was. We put an offer in.  We got it and then we waited, and waited, and waited some more and we are now blessed enough to say that we are officially home owners!!! Ben and I moved in this past weekend and in 5 short months Dante will move in!! Did I say 5 short months?  I mean 5 LONG months haha!! J

 So while I hate to make excuses those are my three biggest ones for not being a better “blogger”!!

My little sister came in to help us move this weekend, and she brought such a breath of fresh air with her. We talked lots, moved, and of course ate at all our favorite restaurants. Becca used to live in Lynchburg with me for a little while, so when she gets the opportunity to come back we have to hit up all our favorite places!!!

On Saturday Dante and I had to work the football game, and while we were working Becca and Ben managed to pull a wonderful surprise! When I got home from a 6 hour shift at the football game there on the porch were 2 rocking chairs J I have been talking about rocking chairs on the porch for honestly 2 months. Dante and I said we were going to wait on them till after the wedding just because they were an extra expense that we didn’t need. So I had kind of put the idea to rest, but when I pulled into 123 Bennett on Saturday night there were 2 rocking chairs waiting for us!!!! Excited is an understatement!!!

Then we went inside and they had making dinner, and made a gluten free cake J It was like a little house warming party!!!

I called my mom and sobbed hahahaah J I know I am a sap, but man it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ben and I went out to take pictures of the chairs with the porch lights on and I just cried. Who knew a rocking chair could do that to a person. HAHAHA. I mean yes I was excited about the rocking chair, but do you ever have those moments where you just feel overwhelmingly blessed. On top of that it was like the Lord was saying, “See I told you… if you wait.. Just WAIT on me… I am going to shower you will more blessings than you can even imagine”.

I haven’t blogged in forever because I have been off. There it is, I said it hahah JI have been really off. Not myself, stressed out, overwhelmed, and just flat out worn out. I get so down on myself sometimes, and so frustrated that I don’t feel normal. I am not sure if that makes any sense. The worn out feeling is so hard for me.  It makes me feel like I can’t do things, or like I am missing out on things. I don’t know how to describe it. We have been trying new things to see if they will help my energy levels but I am not seeing much of a difference.  I just feel like I always want to sleep, and no amount of sleep is ever enough. It’s Crazy to think that this weekend even though it was chopped full of craziness and business it was so great. Yes moving into a house is busy and exciting but it was so much more than that for me. It was God slapping me around, making me realize that while yes life is hard, stressful, busy, crazy, and you are going to get tore up from the floor up.  He is still God and He knows that the end is near and he has so many blessings I just need to be patient.

Evelyn said to me a few weeks ago, and I think she has said everyday for the past 2 weeks, “Alley ouuuppp God knew before you were born what each day was going to hold, and he didn’t change it…. So suck it up”.  Hahahahah that is a direct quote.

She is right… the stress and the frustration of working through school, the unknown of the house stuff, and all sorts of other things were placed there by the Lord, and all too often I doubt, or allow the stress to get the best of me. Who am I for ever doubting that?? So the rocking chairs man.. .the Rocking chairs where big!!!!! God is so so good, and I am so thankful! J I have lots of pics that I will post of this amazing blessing called 123 Bennett!!! J So stay tuned!  J

4 days to treatment, and I am ready!!! Say prayers Friday! After treatment we are headed up to Kentucky for the little mans 1^st bday as well as some bachelorette fun on Saturday and Sunday with my sweet friend Erin!

Here is a quick pic of the rockers, and the soon to be Bucci Household!! :)

♥ So I have a secret I would like to Share ♥

I AM ENGAGED!!!!!!!

That is not the secret but it has to be said :) I am engaged to the most wonderful man and I couldn’t be more excited to spend the next 233 days (but who’s counting) planning our wedding, and 233 till we get to call him my husband. Thankfully Dante and I have lots and lots of help. I have never been good with the details, or making decisions for that matter. So when we started talking about our relationship and where it was heading I called the two women I know were capable of taking on a wedding challenge. My momma and my older sister Megan!!! They are amazing, and have been so helpful.  PS… we have only been engaged for 2 weeks :)

So here is where the secret comes in….. Are you ready….. Dante and I were the winners of WEDDING GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A WEDDING GIVEAWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup… I am still in shock :)

Remember back when I was getting my lymph nodes removed, and we had the cancer scare… well…. There I was in surgery, and my mom had received and email from a resort here in Virginia called Mariners Landing. When I got out of surgery my mom asked how we felt about being nominated. She knew we had been talking lots about weddings and marriage however she didn’t want anyone to feel pressured. Our first thought was, “ummm do we need to be engaged”… well she contacted Mariners Landing, and they said no the couple doesn’t need to be engaged, however they do need to be a committed couple that were seriously talking about marriage. So my mom forwarded the email to some friends and family and they all started writing. Dante and I had about 6 nominations sent in on our behalf. We were the only couple not engaged at the giveaway, out of 30 other couples, and you guessed it we won the whole stinking thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mariners landing asked about 15 vendors to donate their services for this amazing giveaway, and those vendors reviewed all the nominations for each couple. The plan was for them to read through the nominations, and then have a vote. Once they got the votes back and narrowed down the couple they would hold a second vote to get the winners. Well guys, we were told after we won that there wasn’t any need for a second vote.  It was UNANIMOUS the first time around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you freaking out yet?!?!?! Because I have been freaking out for a few months now, and I am so excited to share this news with all of you :) If I have said it once, I wanna say it a thousand times. GOD IS SOOO GOOD… and He is so faithful. Never in a million years did we ever think that we would have a chance, and now look at us. I have wanted to shout it from the mountain tops since the giveaway, but because Dante wanted to keep the engagement a surprise he asked that we wait till after the engagement to tell the world about our wonderful gift. Talk about HUGE BLESSING!

So what do you ask is included in this amazing package! Well the photography, a gluten free menu, the cake (gluten free cake) ;), florist, decorations, wedding planner, THE DRESS!!, the venues, and much more.

I am still a little bit shocked, and it still doesn’t all feel like it is happening, but it is!!!

On 3-3-12!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT!

If there was ever a testament of Gods faithfulness….

My bible study in the fall was called abundant, faithful and true. It is so cool for me to look back on the fall and winter months, and to think about all the things that the Lord was doing and then to remember this verse.

Ephesians 3:20

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

 To GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!!!!!! I am so glad I get to share all this with you guys. I hope it encourages you!!! We serve such a Big God, and he is capable of more than you or I could ever imagine! Never Never forget the amazing blessings that God is capable of pouring over you!!

 We have recently started planning which has been amazing, and my disease doesn’t like stress at all, so there again you see the Lord not giving me more than I can handle. Obviously the Lord knew wedding planning was going to be too much, so what did he do he provided a wedding planner to do it for me J

 Tomorrow is treatment day, and it is such a catch 22 because I am ready, but not ready all at the same time. Hopefully it won’t keep me out of commission to long, cause I have a wedding to plan J HAHAHa!! So fun!!

 I am attaching some pics that were taken when we won the giveaway!! You will notice Dante is not in the pics… haha he was working on a paper, because we really didn’t think we were going to win.. hahah little did we know!!!! J

Love you all and have an awesome day and weekend!!!

Just announced the WINNERS :) Sobbing haha

 Sweet Jessica telling me how hard it was to keep it a secret :) She did so good.. We had NO IDEA!

 My mom reading her nomination :) Lots and Lots of tears!

Post Treatment Blog -- a.k.a Ellie uncut haha :)

Today was treatment; I don’t think I have ever blogged on a treatment day so bare with meJ.  Typically weeks 5 and 6 going into treatment are extremely rough.  I am tired, worn out, easily sad, and just not myself and I wish I could say the last two weeks weren’t like that, but sadly they were just the same as always.

The one thing that was different about the last 2 weeks was, to be honest, I was seriously dreading treatment. Wish I had a reason why, but I don’t know.  I mean I don’t like treatment, never have.  It just makes me feel so yucky, but I know about 3-5 days post treatment I feel so much better.  So, because I know that, I usually welcome treatment with open arms, but about a week ago I was just feeling horrible, and I looked and Dante and said… “is it weird that I just don’t want to go?  I don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to use my port.  I don’t want to get pumped full of meds and I don’t want to feel horrible afterward”.  Of course he understood and he quickly reminded me of how much it helps post treatment and I just need to focus on that.  The truth is, sometimes it is just hard.

On the way to treatment it has become a tradition to listen to one of my favorite Christian artist’s Kari Jobe.  She has a version of the song, Healer. It is one of my very favorite songs, and it helps me bring it all back and remember how amazing our God is and how capable he is of healing me.

I have to tell you today and the last couple of weeks for some reason I have just been longing for healing. Praying for it, hoping for it and almost pleading with the Lord for it.  I have never felt like this before. I mean yes, I have asked God to heal me, and I don’t want ulcerative colitis, but recently I have just really really wished for it.

Today’s treatment went as well as can be expected. My port was accessed on the first try, which in and of itself was such a huge praise. The Lord knew that today of all days was not a day for my port to act up. None the less I cried a lot today. My sweet nurses felt so bad, and they hadn’t even done anything for me to cry but I just cried. I was so anxious about my port not working, and about not feeling well that the tears just streamed down my face, and even with just one attempt any time you try and access my port it just hurts.

I guess the reason why I am writing about all this is just to let those of you with “stuff”, that you are not alone.  I often think about people who don’t have their hope in the Lord.  My heart breaks for those people.  I struggle with him, but at least I have him. That alone gets me through.  He is my strength, and just like Kari Jobe sings ….”He holds my every moment”, and so I trust him.  You have to, even when I don’t want to have treatment and when I beg for healing, I have to trust him.  I am resting in his promises tonight, and I trust that you know if you are struggling with something whether it is physical, or emotional, you are prayed for.  Please remember, like I have had to tell myself all day, your pain is not in vain, he holds every tear, and he knows all your fears and frustrations.  He is using it all for his good even when you just don’t get it.

I had to tell you all that tonight because I really don’t know if I have ever had feelings like I have had over the last couple of weeks and hopefully it will encourage you. God has truly poured his blessings over me the last few weeks, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to talk with Him. Like I said, even though I want to be healed so badly, even in all the junk and the feeling bad, He shows me just how much he can use these struggles; I just have to let him.

I hope you all have a great night! Thanks for letting me share my heart!

God Bless,

Ellie 

♥ Graduation Weekend ♥

Well hello long lost blogging friends!! It has been forever since I have written, and my prayer is that you will allow graduation a big enough excuse J That’s right… did you hear me.. GRADUATION… this girl right here.. Ellie Anna Paul J Graduated!

I came to Liberty in 2004 with the expectation that I would be in and out like all the normal college students, and to be honest I don’t think I have ever been more thankful for abnormality. Liberty has been and still is such a huge part of my life. Without it I wouldn’t have found my doctors, my close knit group of friends, my job, or sweet Dante!!! A few days after graduation Dante’s grandfather, Pop Pop, called to congratulate me and he said, “Ellie, I was thinking the other day, about how thankful I am that it took you longer to graduate, because had you graduated on time, you may have never met Dante, and I would have never gotten to meet you”. Of course I started to tear up because he is so right.

You know for years I sat around, wallowing, wondering, “Ok Lord, why?”  “Why is all of this happening, why am I the last?” And to be honest on graduation, with my whole family there, more proud of me than ever, I was glad!!  I was glad that I was the last, and glad that it took me as long as it did because who knows where I would be, or who I would have met had I been the “normal” graduate.

Between Commencement and the diploma ceremony we were lucky enough to have a room where we could all just sit, and talk.  Dan asked everyone to give a favorite “Ellie moment” J  It was so funny!!! Luke reminded everyone of my Easter bunny days!! (One year for Easter I dressed up as the bunny for the Drees’ family Easter Egg Hunt… there will not be pictures to follow.. hahah)

I don’t know if I have ever had all those people together in one place at one time, but WOW did I ever feel blessed. The people there were the people who have truly gotten me through the last 7 years, without them I probably wouldn’t have finished, and so when I walked across the stage to get my diploma it wasn’t just about me fishing it was about all of us, it was about all the people who have ever encouraged, loved, supported, and prayed for me. I could never take full credit for this degree not for one second.

Graduation was one of those moments that just gives you butterflies, the whole day.  My sister got amazing pictures, and there is a picture of me looking up at my family. Of course my arms were flailing around, and the people on the field around me were looking at me like…”you am a dork”, but it was my attempt to acknowledge them, because it was not just about me. I mean I contemplated asking Jerry Jr. to allow families to accept the diplomas with the graduates because they deserve some recognition right along with us!! He is still thinking about it I guess!

I am sitting here trying to figure out how to describe the feelings, cause man it was incredible. The whole day!!!  I am so thankful, so so so thankful.   Getting my degree was one of those things that I put in the back of my head for a good 2 years.  I thought, “people will understand if I don’t finish, I mean I guess people with as many medical incompletes as I have had just can’t finish.”  I allowed myself to believe that I would be ok without it, or that I just couldn’t get it.  Man oh man was I ever wrong.  Just like the half marathon!!!  I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST.. .not just something’s… ALL THINGS!!!!!! We serve such an amazing God!! They sang one of my favorite worship songs at graduation.  It is called Lord your Holy.. and there is a part in the song that describes God, it says:

“Wonderful, Glorious, Holy and Righteous, Victorious, Conqueror, Triumphant, and Mighty, HEALER, Deliver, Shield and, Defense, STRONG TOWER, and My Best friend, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Soon Coming King, Alpha, Omega, Lord of everything, HOLY HOLY HOLY is your NAME…..” J You can image the tears that were pouring out of my eyes.

I wanted to blog a bit and share how I felt, last weekend, and tell you about how amazing my family is because I truly am so lucky, and so blessed.  Without them I couldn’t have done it, and without Ulcerative Colitis I wouldn’t value and appreciate it like I do.  God is so good about using all things for good!!!!  He has a perfect plan… I say it all the time, but it is so true.  I know so many of you have prayed, and I can’t thank you enough, and I ask that you continue to pray that God will direct me. Graduation weekend blew so much wind in my sails!!!  It encouraged me more than ever, and reiterated for me, and so many others that this disease cannot, and will not hold me back. Sure it may have taken me longer, but I look back on the last seven years and I would do it all over.

Now that graduation has come and gone I am hoping to be able to get back into the blogging swing of things!!!

I hope this blog finds you all well!!!!

Love you all,

Ellie

 

Can You Rate Your Pain?

I took a bit of a blogging break this last week because my new class started, and because while I am sooo happy to have made it through the wedding weekend the last couple weeks since have been an uphill battle for me.

                I titled this post, “Can you rate your pain?”, because I feel like I ask myself that on an hourly basis. I always find it funny when I go for a treatment or even just for a normal check up doctors ask someone like me that question. “Can you rate your pain?”… When they ask I typically sit there for a bit, and assess my body from head to toe. How is my head? How is my tummy? How are my hips?... my knee is a little achy today, but that isn’t from the UC, that is just cause I ran hard last night, hmmm anything else?? NO I think that is it……. ok SO I think I will rate my pain at 3 maybe 4.

It is at this moment that they look at you, take a few notes, and then move right along with the appointment. I guess they just expect someone with an auto immune disease to hang out at that level of pain. This to me makes sense, because for a long time I have had to learn to live at this level.  I have had to learn how to function, run, and work at this level.

I can manage the 3’s and the 4’s but anything much over that I really have a hard time with.

It is so funny because while normal people go home talking about their day, and all the events that took place, Dante and I start the drive home with a, “how was your day, how is the head, how is the stomach, how is the nausea” and I just have to laugh. Those moments, even though we don’t intend them to, make this disease hard. Like I tried to explain in my last post even though I know that the Lord is using this it is hard sometimes, and even I wish it didn’t hurt so bad psychically/emotionally. Doctors very rarely ask you what level your emotional pain is at. Now please understand I am not depressed, but there are days that I wish I didn’t have to talk about it. Days when I wish I didn’t feel like I was boring, So often I wish I could go through a day without have to even acknowledge my UC. That feeling of being worn out or having to manage headaches that hurt so bad you can even see straight. I want to be fun, upbeat, spontaneous, and this stuff makes all that difficult.  I tried to explain to my mom the other night that while I can handle it and I can take it. I handle it because I have to. If you have a chronic disease you get it. You have to choose to make it through the day, and while some days are easier than others it can sometimes be exhausting even to acknowledge or talk about the difficulties and pain an auto immune disease sends my way.

Last weekend Dante and I had probably one of the most low-key weekends we have had in a long time and it was awesome.  We had a picnic in the park.  We went to a movie and we watched a ton of basketball. It was perfect!!!! I just got so frustrated with the fact that amidst this wonderful relaxing weekend I still didn’t feel well. I didn’t feel well at all. I try too hard to put on this front, that everything is ok, and that I can do and be everything all the time.  Well Sunday night it all came to a head, and in true ulcerative colitis fashion it became more than I could handle. I know God is growing me, but it is hard sometimes to be joyful in this. I have to tell you that nausea has become my worst enemy. I don’t know what it is but for some reason these last few weeks have been tough.

It was interesting, I met a woman at the Russell and Courtney’s wedding weekend, she was amazing. She was a true blessing to my heart, she told me she was reading the blog, and that it had touched her on a deeper level because she too has struggled with physical pain. She has an autoimmune disease and a few other things going on that cause her lots of physical pain. After the wedding she asked me to consider talking a bit more about the physical pain that I feel on a daily/weekly basis, and I have to be honest in that while I mention the pain I deal with in post’s I really have tried to not focus on it. I love that she asked about that, and she even proceeded to challenge me in it.  She challenged me to be vocal, and vulnerable in my pain.  Which is not by any means easy, because I don’t want to complain, and don’t want to be negative, but I am learning through this, that pain can be a sign of strength.  My strength comes from the Lord, and therefore if I have this pain I have to praise him because I know that he is building these spiritual muscles of mine a whole lot faster than I could without the pain.

I want to be honest and real about all the things I am feeling, and experiencing because for so long I wasn’t. I wanted to walk through life pretending I didn’t have this disease, but I am learning that the more I open up and talk about what I am feeling. The more that I talk about the hurts, and explain how God is using me in my hurt and pain the better off I feel. I am not sure if that even makes sense, but I hope you understand what I mean. So I guess what I want I am trying to covey is that while I sit here with physical pain, I feel the Lord come alongside of me and help me get through today. Which in and of itself is a praise.

I always wonder how people who don’t have the Lord deal with hurt and pain. Because holy cow when I am weak HE IS STRONG. There is something about feeling so sick, and having no earthly remedy able to make the pain go away.  It makes your dependence on the Lord more significant than ever.

The other night when I was feeling so sick and to the point of tears, there are rare moments where I let the pain bring me to tears, but it was so bad that I just sat there and cried, and I looked at Dante and he looked so defeated, because I think as a guy he wants to fix it, and make it better, but there was nothing he except pray so that is what he did, he prayed to “the one who heals”, “the one who relieves pain”, “and the one who gives you peace”.  There isn’t a pain reliever out there that compares to that kind of peace.  So while yes I am still dealing with headaches, nausea and a whole slew of other physical ailments I am so thankful that I can call on the Lord, and trust him for everything that he says he is.

               

Physically life has been tough. Running hasn’t been easy, getting out of bed hasn’t been easy. Dante tells me all the time that I am strong, and I think I am starting to believe him hahaha!!! God continues to wow me with the things that he can do through me even when I feel so worn out, and insignificant. He uses us in our pain, and in our weakness. Thank God for that J

I truly hope I don’t sound depressed. Because I want you to know that like I said earlier when I am weak he is STRONG, and HE is the one getting me through today. Thank heavens I don’t have to rely on my own strength, because it isn’t even close to the amount I need to get through. God is so faithful, and I am so thankful that He heals, and that we can claim Him for that. He is my hope and he comes alongside of me in my pain and carries me through the trial!!!!

Isaiah 41:10
“so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “

I am claiming this verse today, and every day, and I am thankful for that righteous right hand!!!!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!! Dante and I are still recovering over the loss of both our bball teams in the tournament L So LETS GO VCU or BUTLER!! HAHA (My sister and brother in law will be so disappointed when they read this….the Kentucky Wildcats were supposed to lose to UNC… but they prevailed) J