Can You Rate Your Pain?

I took a bit of a blogging break this last week because my new class started, and because while I am sooo happy to have made it through the wedding weekend the last couple weeks since have been an uphill battle for me.

                I titled this post, “Can you rate your pain?”, because I feel like I ask myself that on an hourly basis. I always find it funny when I go for a treatment or even just for a normal check up doctors ask someone like me that question. “Can you rate your pain?”… When they ask I typically sit there for a bit, and assess my body from head to toe. How is my head? How is my tummy? How are my hips?... my knee is a little achy today, but that isn’t from the UC, that is just cause I ran hard last night, hmmm anything else?? NO I think that is it……. ok SO I think I will rate my pain at 3 maybe 4.

It is at this moment that they look at you, take a few notes, and then move right along with the appointment. I guess they just expect someone with an auto immune disease to hang out at that level of pain. This to me makes sense, because for a long time I have had to learn to live at this level.  I have had to learn how to function, run, and work at this level.

I can manage the 3’s and the 4’s but anything much over that I really have a hard time with.

It is so funny because while normal people go home talking about their day, and all the events that took place, Dante and I start the drive home with a, “how was your day, how is the head, how is the stomach, how is the nausea” and I just have to laugh. Those moments, even though we don’t intend them to, make this disease hard. Like I tried to explain in my last post even though I know that the Lord is using this it is hard sometimes, and even I wish it didn’t hurt so bad psychically/emotionally. Doctors very rarely ask you what level your emotional pain is at. Now please understand I am not depressed, but there are days that I wish I didn’t have to talk about it. Days when I wish I didn’t feel like I was boring, So often I wish I could go through a day without have to even acknowledge my UC. That feeling of being worn out or having to manage headaches that hurt so bad you can even see straight. I want to be fun, upbeat, spontaneous, and this stuff makes all that difficult.  I tried to explain to my mom the other night that while I can handle it and I can take it. I handle it because I have to. If you have a chronic disease you get it. You have to choose to make it through the day, and while some days are easier than others it can sometimes be exhausting even to acknowledge or talk about the difficulties and pain an auto immune disease sends my way.

Last weekend Dante and I had probably one of the most low-key weekends we have had in a long time and it was awesome.  We had a picnic in the park.  We went to a movie and we watched a ton of basketball. It was perfect!!!! I just got so frustrated with the fact that amidst this wonderful relaxing weekend I still didn’t feel well. I didn’t feel well at all. I try too hard to put on this front, that everything is ok, and that I can do and be everything all the time.  Well Sunday night it all came to a head, and in true ulcerative colitis fashion it became more than I could handle. I know God is growing me, but it is hard sometimes to be joyful in this. I have to tell you that nausea has become my worst enemy. I don’t know what it is but for some reason these last few weeks have been tough.

It was interesting, I met a woman at the Russell and Courtney’s wedding weekend, she was amazing. She was a true blessing to my heart, she told me she was reading the blog, and that it had touched her on a deeper level because she too has struggled with physical pain. She has an autoimmune disease and a few other things going on that cause her lots of physical pain. After the wedding she asked me to consider talking a bit more about the physical pain that I feel on a daily/weekly basis, and I have to be honest in that while I mention the pain I deal with in post’s I really have tried to not focus on it. I love that she asked about that, and she even proceeded to challenge me in it.  She challenged me to be vocal, and vulnerable in my pain.  Which is not by any means easy, because I don’t want to complain, and don’t want to be negative, but I am learning through this, that pain can be a sign of strength.  My strength comes from the Lord, and therefore if I have this pain I have to praise him because I know that he is building these spiritual muscles of mine a whole lot faster than I could without the pain.

I want to be honest and real about all the things I am feeling, and experiencing because for so long I wasn’t. I wanted to walk through life pretending I didn’t have this disease, but I am learning that the more I open up and talk about what I am feeling. The more that I talk about the hurts, and explain how God is using me in my hurt and pain the better off I feel. I am not sure if that even makes sense, but I hope you understand what I mean. So I guess what I want I am trying to covey is that while I sit here with physical pain, I feel the Lord come alongside of me and help me get through today. Which in and of itself is a praise.

I always wonder how people who don’t have the Lord deal with hurt and pain. Because holy cow when I am weak HE IS STRONG. There is something about feeling so sick, and having no earthly remedy able to make the pain go away.  It makes your dependence on the Lord more significant than ever.

The other night when I was feeling so sick and to the point of tears, there are rare moments where I let the pain bring me to tears, but it was so bad that I just sat there and cried, and I looked at Dante and he looked so defeated, because I think as a guy he wants to fix it, and make it better, but there was nothing he except pray so that is what he did, he prayed to “the one who heals”, “the one who relieves pain”, “and the one who gives you peace”.  There isn’t a pain reliever out there that compares to that kind of peace.  So while yes I am still dealing with headaches, nausea and a whole slew of other physical ailments I am so thankful that I can call on the Lord, and trust him for everything that he says he is.

               

Physically life has been tough. Running hasn’t been easy, getting out of bed hasn’t been easy. Dante tells me all the time that I am strong, and I think I am starting to believe him hahaha!!! God continues to wow me with the things that he can do through me even when I feel so worn out, and insignificant. He uses us in our pain, and in our weakness. Thank God for that J

I truly hope I don’t sound depressed. Because I want you to know that like I said earlier when I am weak he is STRONG, and HE is the one getting me through today. Thank heavens I don’t have to rely on my own strength, because it isn’t even close to the amount I need to get through. God is so faithful, and I am so thankful that He heals, and that we can claim Him for that. He is my hope and he comes alongside of me in my pain and carries me through the trial!!!!

Isaiah 41:10
“so do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. “

I am claiming this verse today, and every day, and I am thankful for that righteous right hand!!!!!!!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!! Dante and I are still recovering over the loss of both our bball teams in the tournament L So LETS GO VCU or BUTLER!! HAHA (My sister and brother in law will be so disappointed when they read this….the Kentucky Wildcats were supposed to lose to UNC… but they prevailed) J

Weekend Blessings!!

Friday was another treatment day, and I wish I could say a year and a half into treatments we made it through with flying colors, however, that is just not the case.  This last Friday we had to take the earliest treatment spot which meant we had to leave the house at 5:30 a.m.  Mornings have never been my thing.  Not on normal days and DEFINITLY not on treatment days.  But thanks to Dante we made it to treatment on time in hopes of getting out of the hospital ASAP.   God, however, had a little bit of a different plan.  We got to UVA at 7 and treatment ended up taking 6+ hours (the infusion part of the treatment, I am not including the pre and post stuff).  It was weird because I fell asleep, and woke up about 3 hours into it, and was like umm…. The bag still looks pretty full so I asked the nurse to take a look at it and she had set the iv to run a whole lot slower than it should have been, so by the time we got it figured out it took a few more hours to get the rest of the medicine pumping through my body.  The other down side to doing it that way was by the time she got it at the speed it should have been at the medicine went in a ton faster, and it was like immediately I felt sick. A tidal wave of nausea and headaches took over. So after a long treatment Dante and I got in the car, and drove to South Carolina, we both prayed numerous times throughout the trip for relief from pain, and also for no nausea.

I slept most of the drive, and thankfully Dante managed to get us there safely!!

We were both in a wedding on Saturday in South Carolina, and I have to tell you that I was very nervous about how my body was going to do.  I am happy to say that I made it through the day without throwing up, passing out, all while managing my headaches. TOTALLY A MIRICLE!! God blessed me with amazing people while I was there, people who cared, and were checking on me the whole time. It was a huge blessing and I am so thankful to all who prayed because it has been no secret that I was worried about how I would do after treatment and I truly couldn’t have asked my body to do any better than it did. I think I am learning now more than ever that when you are hurting, and in pain, you have to seriously pray for the Lord to take your mind out of it.  It is when I have time to sit and think about what is hurting or bothering me, that it seems the worst.  Let me tell you though, from the moment we got to South Carolina I was blessed with people to talk to me, and help keep my mind off of how I was feeling.

I truly love meeting new people. When we got to the hotel I had the privilege for meeting some pretty awesome people.  I got to meet one the groomsman’s wives, and also stay in a room with the Grooms sister. WHAT A BLESSING that all was.  It was totally a God thing because it gave Dante the opportunity to have some quality guy time, and it left me to do what I do best… Talk Talk Talk!!!! HAHAHA 

Katie, Gabrielle and I went up to our room, and we spent the night talking. It is so amazing to me to think about how God knew that I would need those girls right in that moment, one to take my mind off “treatment day” and two to share and encourage one another in our relationship with the Lord.

We sat there, and each shared our hearts, our hurts, and what God is teaching us through each different stage that we are in. It is so cool to see the different trends/issues that we all struggle with and deal with, all while dealing with different circumstances.

One topic specifically was brought up, one that has been heavy on my heart lately, the topic of being content.  I have felt bad even saying that, because I go back and forth in my mind.  Satan has been on the attack.  I know that the Lord has me right where he wants me, and his timing has proven perfect across the board.  However, I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle, and while I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone, it was so encouraging to hear that these girls, who I had spent such a short amount of time with, fell comfortable enough to tell me about areas in their lives where they were having a hard time being content as well. The interesting thing (this will probably come as no shock to anyone) is that as we looked at one another, there were things in each girl that the other wished that they had, or circumstances that each of us wished we could find ourselves. We talked about places in life we wanted to be.  Places in life that if you had asked us 10 years, or even as early as a year ago, we thought we would be at and shockingly enough we are at places that we weren’t expecting to be at. The Lord had us walking different paths, and yet we have all at one point or another had feelings of discontent.

It is so cool to see Christ vividly bringing things full circle.

A couple weeks ago in bible study Priscilla Shier did an illustration of a women standing with a glass in her hand. The glass was full, and Priscilla walked up to her and started shaking her arm. She then brought it back, saying, “You see when you are being shaken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually whatever it is, but when you are shaken what’s inside of you is going to come out, whether you want it to or not.” All that pain, anger, frustration, envy, jealously, the list goes on.  When she made the illustration I was immediately convicted, and I started to play through situations where I had felt like my world was being tested, or shaken. I thought of what my original response had been in these situations. Not the response that I had rationalized in my head a few minutes or hours after the original blow, but the initial one, the one that you very rarely tell people, and usually is thought and felt, and then you talk yourself into being ok.  You glamorize your response, when in all reality, you still had the feelings, and you haven’t dealt with them at all you just gave yourself time to think of an excuse for the feelings. Why? For what? Ultimately the one who matters most knows you thought it, felt it, and you just aren’t saying it.

Ulcerative Colitis shakes you, having a rough day with this disease leaves me worn out, and on my worst days, those filthy thoughts, come out, and Satan gets his foot in the door and I start to ask why? Why has it taken me 7 years to finish my degree, Why am I the last of all my college roommates to get married? I question God, and I find myself so blinded by my discontent that I can barely see straight. Not for long but none the less I have to tell you I have been there recently.  So you need to know that getting to spend the evening with girls who knew the feelings that I was having was a gift from God.  I needed to know that I was not the only one, and I also wanted them to know that they weren’t in this alone.  We all have moments, “The Grass is ALWAYS GREENER moments”.  I found this verse when I was begging for my spiritual slap in the pants ;)

Proverbs 27:1, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.”

It reminds me to put it back into perspective. God pours out his love on me and I need the Lord to give me a spiritual slap on the hand.  I need to remember that He is doing a GREAT work, and he does have a perfect plan.  I know that if I had finished undergrad on time I would have never gotten this job, and more importantly I would have never met my love!  Dante and I’s relationship has been strengthened through this school stuff.  Dante has shown me what true selflessness is through the bear of helping me complete my degree, all while supporting me and loving me through ulcerative colitis. God has it figured out, he knows what I need when I need it, and I trust him with all of it. I just need a little wakeup call from time to time.  So here is a punch I am going to throw the devils way!

Psalm 37:7-9
be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes. Stop being angry! Turn from your rage! Do not lose your temper—it only leads to harm. For the wicked will be destroyed, but those who trust in the Lord will possess the land.

Praying this post finds you all well, and hopefully encouraged!!! God is so faithful, and in his timing, his perfect timing, he will reveal his plans to you!!!!!

Love always!!

Ellie

♥ Disney Princess Half Marathon ♥

Holy Cow! There is so much to talk about!!!! Over the last couple months this blog has focused so much on the medical side of its name, “Remicade”, but today we are going to talk about the “Running” aspect of why I started the blog!!!!

Running is something that I fell in love with the summer before going to college. I owe the addiction to my dear friend Rachel.  Rachel pushed me to start, and encouraged me in those early weeks when I didn’t think I could run the block let alone a mile.  I never thought of myself as a Runner per say, but I looked at Rachel, a mother of three children, a wife and a house to run and thought, “well if she can do it, I would love to try”! So I did.  By the end of the summer I was hooked. The best thing about running is that you don’t need any special equipment all you need is a good pair of shoes and off you go! It is also one of those things that leave you NO excuse to not work out.  You can always run; rain or shine, snow or sleet, it is always do-able!!

Running has been a huge stress reliever for me.  It allows me to clear my head, and spend time talking with the Lord.  I love that time.  This weekend was the first big race I have run since February 2009.  It has been two years, almost to the date, that my body and ulcerative colitis went into a downward spiral. So this race was special.  It was special for so many reasons.  One, because as I started running I thought back 2 years, all the feelings and fears came to mind. I thought of a year and half ago listening to Doctor Finke tell me that if I kept running like I was, while my body hurting so badly that I could have a stroke. I remember being so scared when she told me that. Now a year and a half into Remicade treatments I ran my first half on Remicade.  I felt so much joy throughout the whole race. I was so thankful, and thrilled that while Remicade has been so hard on my body. Remicade treatments made this half marathon a reality in my life. Thank you Lord for Remicade J

Number Two reason, because I was able to run this with one of my closest friends Jenny. While I have had a rough two years medically, she has had her share of “life’s valleys” as well.  The day before the race she came into my room and we talked about the last two years, all the things that the Lord had done and seen us through.  I am so amazed looking back and seeing how far we’ve both come.  I couldn’t have imagined running this race with anyone else.  I was so proud of her!!! 

My third reason, well it didn’t really hit home until about 20 minutes before my corral started.  You see I signed up for this race back in September long before Lymphoma ever became something on my radar.  However that is what we were running for.  We ran for Leukemia, and Lymphoma.  I told Jenny the day before, this race meant something special to me and as we sat there waiting to start the race, I saw women around me with shirts that said, “Running for Mary” and it all felt surreal.  I started to get choked up because even though I didn’t have “Running for Mary” on the back of my shirt, the race was no longer about me, it was about Lymphoma.  It was about Mary, and anyone else that has ever been scared, affected, tested, or treated, you name it.  If Lymphoma has ever been on your radar I ran for you.  People asked if it hurt, and I would have to answer with a confident YES.  Of course it hurt, the last 2 miles was not comfortable at all, but I couldn’t focus on it, not for one second.  Jenny and I recited to one another before the race started two of our favorite verses, “For God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of LOVE, POWER and SOUND MIND”, and “I can do ALL things, through Christ who strengthens me”.  Every time I wanted to stop, or focus on my pain I said those verses back in my head.  There is no way I could have gotten through Sundays race without the Lord running every step of it with me.  Two months ago I wasn’t sure I was going be able to run this race at all, let alone finish it.  So getting through this race I most definitely consider a huge achievement.

The fan support was amazing.  There were so many runners and so many people there to cheer us on.  Jenny and I had “special spectators” in the crowd, our “Prince Charmings” were there to cheer for us and lift us up, a friend of mine named Byrd was there, and a wonderful surprise, the Beckett/Thom clan joined the crowds to show their support!!!  If you know anyone running a race, go out and support them because let me tell you, it meant the world to see our friends along the way.  Mrs. Beckett has a super loud horn and they were cheering so loud.  We saw them around mile eight and it truly gave us the biggest boost ever!!

So where are we today!  Well… I am feeling pretty good. VERY SORE!! Shocker I am sure, hahah J and I am very tired.  No complaints though J  We are headed into week five which is usually a pretty rough week for me, so I am praying that we make it to next Fridays treatment without any glitches!  Thank you all for the social networking support!  I am so thankful for your prayers, and your encouragement!! I am going to take it easy the next couple days in hopes that my body recovers quickly. I have been experiencing the “runners high” for about 48 hours now, and it feels so good!!  I am so excited to do another race hopefully sooner rather than later!!  Have an awesome week J

Ps. I will have pictures to follow, I accidently left my camera in Florida, so they shipped it up here, and I am hoping to have it by tomorrow! So I will have them up for you ASAP!!!!

Life Recently

Last night was another awesome night at bible study. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord puts things like this study in my life at just the right time. The women that I am seated with and the study we are working through are just incredible. I mentioned the concept of the study in my last post, it is about life’s interruptions. Obviously it goes without saying, my biggest interruption is this disease, but there are all sorts of other interruptions that the Lord has been throwing my way, and I have been working and processing through each of these interruptions as they come. Some have taken longer to process than others, but I pray that you find encouragement through this post because we all have “stuff”, and while some is big, and some is small, it is stuff and it matters to us. So I will share some of mine with you!!!  

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago, and last week Friday I was just having one of those days… you know the “woe is me” kind of days.  My sweet friend Evelyn called me in her office, sat me down and she said in her own perfect way, “Ellie ooouuuppppp”.. (That is what she calls me it is typically spelled ALLY OUP). “What’s your problem today …you just look sad”, which of course made me sob. As I looked at her, I tried so hard to verbalize what I was thinking, and what I was feeling, but it was just hard; hard because I felt vain, and because I have beat myself up about feeling  that way. Those of you who know Ms. Evelyn know that she wants nothing more than for you to share your heart and your hurts with her.  She is such an awesome listener and she truly cares and will pray you through anything that you are going through. So I looked at her and explained to her that I walk around and everyone keeps saying, “Your hair is so cute, I love your Hair, Oh MY GOSH LOOK at your Hair.” Or I have also gotten the brutally honest, which I am so grateful for.  It’s the, “Ellie I just couldn’t tell you that it was getting bad but it was”.  You would think it would hurt to hear, which I would be lying to say that it didn’t, but I LOVE THE HONESTY.

Lindsey my hair dresser, told me 8 weeks ago when I went in and saw her, “Ellie next time you come in we have to cut it.” It was as hard for her to say, as it was for me to hear. She has cut my hair for going on 5 years now, and she is well aware, as many of you are that I LOVE my long hair, and so 2 weeks ago when we talked hair styles it was no shock to look at her through the mirror and see tears streaming down her face right along with me.  It’s hard for me, not because of the hair, I mean yes I love it long, but it is hard because every time I look in the mirror, I see and feel the reasons as to why I cut it. I hear it all the time,  “Ellie Looking at you I would never know you are sick, or you have dealt with all this stuff” which I am glad about. That is what I want J. But for me I see it and I feel it, and so I look and see short hair, and think this is because of this medicine and this is because my body is doing everything in its power to fight against me. While all the while I am putting chemicals in my body that are not only killing off the bad stuff, it is killing off the good stuff, the stuff that I was holding so tightly to.

My heart and my attitude have not changed from my last post, I am more excited than ever to see how God is going to use this and also to know that he is using it all for something awesome, and beautiful.  I am hopeful and positive, but I have weak moments. I guess that is what I am trying to convey. A lady at bible study asked me last night, “Do you ever have rough moments, or moments where you aren’t positive, because you just seem so positive all the time”, and the answers was a most definite YES. But I explained to my table, that those moments that suck the most, when I sit in Sweet Evelyn’s office and sob about my hair, those are the moments that God pours his love over me. Those not so fun moments, are the moments when me and the Lord have our most intimate conversations. Moments like those, and ones that I am sure I will have at some point today, or later this week. They are the moments were I “get real” with the Lord.  If I didn’t have moments like this I wouldn’t cling to him like I do.  I don’t have it all together, I get sad, and that is ok. We have to take the hard stuff one moment at a time, and the hair well….It is growing on me J figuratively and literally!!! I so appreciate all your encouragement with the hair transition. To some it may seem so trivial, and honestly that is why I had a hard time verbalizing its because I know that it is just hair, and that it will grow. It is just a little bit deeper than that for me though; If that makes any sense at all?

On the way to my hair appointment, Dante, tender hearted Dante, grabbed my hand and said, “Love, just think about it like this, even the prettiest of trees, and bushes need to be pruned. They have to cut away the bad stuff so that they can grow back beautiful, and so we are going to get the bad stuff cut off, and I know that it is going to grow back beautiful”. He is such a Love. That is what I am talking about, it is the moments where I am so sad, where the Lord gives me amazing blessings like that. I am blessed beyond measure, and Held so tightly in the palm of God’s hand.

One of my special blessings for the week was of course my valentine!!! I am going to attach a fun picture of the date night! Dante made a reservation at an awesome restaurant called Shoemakers and we had such a great night talking about the last 12 months that we have had together. For those of you that don’t know, last year on Valentine’s Day, after weeks of talking at work he asked me to attend one of his basketball games. February 14, 2010 was the first time we ever hung out. So while February 14^th is already a special day to most, it is extra special to us!!! I am so lucky to have him, he has brought more joy into my life than I can put into words!! God is so good and I am so thankful!!!!!

I hope this post finds you all well!! Thank you all for continued prayers, and support. I am so encouraged by all of you!

God Bless,

Ellie

Life Interrupted

in·ter·rupt  ( n t -r pt )

v. in·ter·rupt·ed, in·ter·rupt·ing, in·ter·rupts

v.tr.

1. To break the continuity or uniformity of: Rain interrupted our baseball game.

2. To hinder or stop the action or discourse of (someone) by breaking in on: The baby interrupted me while I was on the phone.

I wanted to make sure the definition was clear right from the start!!!! Interruptions have been on my mind lately. Not whether or not there are interruptions in life, but what to do when you are faced with them.

I haven’t always been a planner well they type of planner that has each hour accounted for with every I and T of the day dotted and crossed, but since about middle school its became apparent to me that life was just easier for me to handle if I had a plan. It was about the same time that I realized how easy it was for my world to come crashing down the second “MY PLAN” didn’t go just the way I had written it out in my day timer. I vividly remember sitting in the passenger seat on the way home from school, crying my eyes out because there was an unexpected change that was thrown into the day. There was an “interruption” if you will.

I have said it numerous times in a few different posts, that “God is right on time”. Maybe not always when I am expecting him to show up, or be there, but never the less he is always there, and his timing is perfect. Interruption’s they are always on time too. It’s how I deal with those interruptions, the uncomfortable ones, that don’t seem to fit into your routine.  It is those moments that have and will continue to define me.

If you read this blog you know that I have a daily, interruption called ulcerative colitis, and some days if that isn’t a big enough interruption I have things like cancer scares. More like cancer terrors.

A month ago I was given that interruption, yes you heard me correctly I was ALLOWED that interruption. I didn’t ask for it but I got it. It is so crazy to think it was 4 weeks ago, because time seems like it has stood still these last couple of weeks. Maybe that is why it has taken me so long to blog about it, because I truly feel like it has only been a few days.

I had a biopsy 2 weeks ago Friday, and I still feel it, it still hurts and it was so much different than I anticipated. The incision was about 4 inches, and they removed the whole lymph node. They sent it to be tested, and by God’s mercy and grace it came back negative. When I got the news that it wasn’t cancer my mom and I just sat there and cried, and thanked God for all of the love and support that I had received not only from my family, but from my spiritual family around the world. I got messages from my family in Hungary, from people I work with, people from WI, California, Kentucky, and all over. It was amazing. There is no greater feeling than knowing that you have a world of people praying you through this huge trial. The concept of “baring one another’s burden” never felt so real. The day before the surgery my mom and I were talking, and she asked me what is was thinking, and what I was feeling about everything. There were so many thoughts and feelings I had.

 I think I tried to talk myself into being ok, being fine with whatever the outcome.  When in reality I was freaking out, haha wish I could have kept that a secret but I am sure everyone knew it.

 The fact of the matter and the reason for the definition above is this; cancer would have been an interruption. The tests were, the surgery was, the waiting game was, none of it was written in my day timer, and it defiantly wasn’t in my life plan. Ulcerative colitis has been, and still is an interruption, and I think now more than ever I am faced with a choice. My mom’s famous quote growing up “ATTITUDE IS A CHOICE”!! When I was a kid I thought YEAH RIGHT… NO WAY.. but of course like always she’s got it right.  I have a choice in this to allow it to cripple me, or I have the choice to allow the interruptions to be divine interventions. God has used all this.  There is no question in my mind of that. He proves that to me every minute of every day.  I have the choice to see God work in this, and I know he will. This cancer scare was so eye opening for me.

My bible study started on Tuesday nights, and it is on the book of Jonah. It talked about the interruptions that Jonah had, hence my usage of the word nine million time’s  (Thank you Priscilla Shirer). It talked about the choices Jonah made when given the task by the Lord to go to Ninevah and reach a hopeless place.  Jonah was called by God to breathe life into a world of hopeless people. This bible study, in just one week has been MOMNUMENTAL in my life, and my perspective on so many events over the last few months.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I WANT TO BE USED WHATEVER that means. Cancer, Ulcerative colitis, with everything in me I believe and know that 2 weeks ago, that if the biopsy came back positive for cancer, it would have felt like it was an interruption, but now two weeks later I say with confidence that is would have been DIVINE INTERVENTION. I asked you to pray for beauty, because I couldn’t see beauty in it, however I knew that God would be capable of molding all this in to something amazing, something beautiful, but I couldn’t see it at the time. Well I am happy to tell you that, while I am still sore, and still trying to figure what’s going on, IT IS BEAUTIFUL J .

My hope is in the Lord, and if this is how he uses me, then we will take it one test, scan, biopsy at a time. I would be lying if I said I would love every minute of it, because I don’t, but I can tell you this, I feel more ready now than ever to handle this ulcerative colitis stuff. I can tell you last week I had treatment and while it was still its normal bear of an issue. I walked in with a hope, with a peace, and with an understanding that while I don’t feel beautiful in those frumpy hospital gowns and it doesn’t feel fun to use my port, and get medicine, it’s been great to talk to doctors, to nurses, and to other patients getting treatment about life, and how the Lord has used my life.  It has been BEAUTIFUL.  I feel hopeful having the opportunity to have U.V.A as my mission field. Right now my mission field is the doctors and nurses who are helping me through life, and through my physical issues. I want them to see the joy that I have found in my Lord and Savior. While I would love to be in a warm, country somewhere telling people about Jesus. God has put me in this place because he finds me most useful right here. SO I CHOOSE IT, I choose to handle this and view these interruptions as my opportunity to share Christ with others. Honestly if you are looking for some sad sad people just go to the waiting room of U.V.A.  Wow!!!  There are sad and hopeless people there.  There are doctors and nurses who are sad, and who have to give horrible news to people every day.  This is my Nineveh  I have prayed for it, I have asked you all to pray for it, so I will accept it. I asked to Lord to use me, and I have never felt more confident in my circumstances. I am in a good place, me and Lord we are close I have never felt closer. We have gotten to a point where I don’t have to start all my prayers with “Dear Lord”… hahaha I mean don’t get me wrong I do start a lot of them like that, but I have gotten to the point of communication with him where it is like, “Hey my incision hurts, there is no earthly thing that will make it feel better, can you cut me some slack ,” or “Thank you for that blessing”, it is so good to be at this place. God is so fulfilling even in the hard stuff He is so good, and I am thankful.  KEEP THE INTERRUPTIONS COMING!!!!   

THANKYOU ALL!!  I haven’t cried to much writing this post, but typing the words “Thank You” makes me cry, because I cannot express into words how thankful I am. A blog post doesn’t do it justice. I felt your prayers, really I did. My family felt your prayers. Your messages, and your texts made it manageable, it has helped me get through the last month, and it has helped me get to a place that I hope I don’t ever move away from. I love you all so much!!! If you are in Wisconsin, or Midwest I hope you aren’t lost in a pile of snow somewhere!! LOVE YOU GUYS, and Thank you for letting me share my heart. There is something so therapeutic in writing what I feel, and what the Lord is teaching me SO THANK YOU!!

I see the surgeon again today and we are going to check on this incision, and then I see Doctor Finke to get a plan in place to try and figure out what is going on with all these other symptoms. So if you could keep me on your prayer list!!!! 

Updates

As my little sister’s “editor in chief”, or more appropriately “Senior Sneak Previewer”, I felt it was necessary to update her prayer warriors and thank each of you for your continued prayers, Facebook wall posts, and encouragement.

Ellie met with her doctors on Thursday.  The appointment with the specialist went well.  The nodes were not alarmingly large but she does show a lot of other symptoms.  So they scheduled the biopsy for the following morning.  They went from that appointment to meet with Dr. Finke who was pleased with the outcome of the earlier appointment.  Friday morning was her biopsy and the procedure went well.  She is extremely sore, as to be expected and slightly disappointed because the incision is a bit bigger than initially described.  Unfortunately the medical staff in Lynchburg is not as experienced using her port so they had to find a vein and insert an IV through her arm, which has caused concern because there is a chance that where that IV was could now be infected.  All in all she is doing well.  Fighting through it and waiting until Monday or probably Tuesday when we will receive the results of the biopsy.  Whatever the outcome she is praying that God gives her strength to handle it all and glorify Him through it.   

I’d like to close this post by acknowledging the strength that my sister has displayed.  If you know my sister, you know that she is a kind, honest, people pleaser who wants nothing more than to love others the way that Christ loves.  While Ellie is a worrier by nature she does not want others spending time worrying about her.  She does her best to convince you that everything is fine and will quickly ask about you and your day to distract from anything and everything going on with her.  1) because she genuinely cares about you and 2) because she is of the mindset that while she knows she has trials and struggles she knows that there is someone else out there that is worse off than she is.  So she thanks God for where she’s at and what she’s learning at that moment in time.  (I think that she openly has admitted that in a previous blog.)    It isn’t until you hear the tone in her voice that you realize that something is wrong and even then she will chalk it up to just being tired.  You see, she doesn’t want to spend time worrying, she wants to spend time connecting, learning, listening only to love you better.

Ellie is a lover of people.  She loves to talk.  She loves to listen.  She loves to laugh and loves to encourage.  I’m sure you already know all of this but the reason for my reiteration of these points is to publically express how proud and honored I am to call her my sister.  This blog has allowed her to be open, to be totally raw and real with her readers and in turn it has shown how she trusts with 100% of her heart that her Lord and Savior has it all in His hands.  I can honestly say that because of my sister, my relationship and love for my God has grown.  I don’t know about you, but every time I am privileged to read my sisters heart I am challenged to be a better Christian.  Thank you for loving my sister, for loyally reading her heart and for praying for her healing and strength. 

I know that through all of this God has a plan.  I hope that you are as blessed by my sister and by her strength as I am. 

In Christ Alone

Ellie’s Older Sister Megan

Here is the update! Prayer is always welcomed!

I haven’t blogged in over a week now, not because I have forgotten about my blog, but because I can’t figure out what to say or how to say it.  I told you all about my doctor’s appointments over a week ago and how they put me on an antibiotic.  Last week I went for a follow up and the antibiotic didn’t do a thing and interestingly enough the lymph node in my groin was larger than the previous week.

It is not uncommon for people to get infections and have their lymph nodes go hay wire, but for the extent that mine have gotten it is not normal. I sat there talking to my doctor and he started to go over what the next days and weeks were going to hold.  You see while swollen lymph nodes can be something normal people deal with, mine send up a red flag.  Remicade has been known to cause Lymphoma, I knew this going into treatments, but it is NEVER a fun conversation to have with your doctor.

Lymphoma in Remicade patients is rare, but none the less when dealing with the lymph nodes that have been swollen for a few months now; we have to take more precautions than I care to deal with. Whether I want to deal with it or not, I have to.  So last week when my doctor told me that we need to get the testing for all this underway you can image why I was a bit scared and overwhelmed.  I always wonder what is going through a doctor’s mind when they tell someone that they are testing for cancer or that they are looking for something in particular; or when they have to be the bearer of bad news. I have to believe that it is tough on them, I have to believe that when a doctor is staring me in the face, watching the tears well up in my eyes,  that he feels sad right along with me.  Thank God doctors are trained in these areas because sometimes their lack of emotion helps me keep it all into perspective which in turn helps me keep it together.  Sweet doctor Lane has been my primary care physician for going on 7 years, and so in true Doc. Lane fashion he gave me a big hug and told me we are going to figure it out!! I am so lucky to have such awesome doctors across the board!

I saw Doctor Lane last Thursday, and right after that appointment he sent me to the hospital to get some labs done.  Since people in Lynchburg are uncomfortable using my port, we had to try and find a vein.  OH what a task that is… after 3 tries and two nurses they found a stubborn little vein and we managed to get some blood.  I woke up Friday and headed over to a head and neck surgeon.  Originally I had an appointment for Monday, with a different doctor and after Doctor Lane told Doctor Kitchell about my situation she came in on Friday (a day that she doesn’t usually see patients).  She took a look at the lymph nodes in my neck, and did a consult.  She was super sweet and she graduated from Duke.  Dante was thrilled, his favorite doctor yet!  Haha I told her I was a Carolina fan, and she almost stopped the consult mid visit. HAHA!!!  I am just kidding, but it sure lightened the mood, and she really was great! While we were there she asked to see the lymph node in my groin, and so I showed her. Interestingly enough her husband is a surgeon for the lower half of the body.  Ironic or God???  Totally a God thing!!! So she said, “you know what, I feel like because the node in the groin is bigger, I want my husband to take a look”.  First thought… WOW what is it like to be a surgeon while being married to a surgeon.. lol I will keep thinking about it cause I am just an financial aid rep.  HAHA!!!

Anyways, she left the room and called her husband, he said he wanted to see me asap, and asked when a good time this week was, Thursday was the day I chose, because not only am I going see him, but Doctor Finke moved up my appointment to tomorrow (Thursday) so I would be able to see both doctors, talk and get the opinions of both. HUGE PRAISE!

So where are we today. Well my mom is flying in tonight to be with me over the next couple of days. They have already said that there is a good chance they are going to biopsy and then also do some scans, so we will see how that all goes. I really just want it to be over and done with. Tomorrow my mom turns 50. MOM I am sorry for putting that on blast, but it is a huge day, a special day, and I am so lucky to spend it with you!!!! I just wish it wasn’t going to be in and out of doctors offices all day L but we will rock it out!  We have done it before and this time will be no different. I am so thankful I have such an amazing supportive family.  When all this went down last Thursday I got a phone call at about 8 oclock that night, and my mom said, “Ellie dad wants me to come out there, and I am looking at tickets now, do you think I should come??”. First thought, “ Do I want you to come down??? OF COURSE I want you to come down, and if this is what it takes to get to spend a week with you, bring it on “. I LOVE when my parents are here with me!!! I am lucky to have such a support system that have the capability to drop anything and come be with me.  

I have gotten so many messages, texts, phone calls from people telling me that they are praying. It means the world to know that people are praying on my behalf. Because honestly… I have been unsure what to pray this last week. This could be nothing. My lymph nodes may be just reacting to my weak immune system.  It may be lymphoma, and so as I sit here and type I am at a loss. I haven’t known what to say or what not to say, because I know that if the Lord thinks I can do “this”, by “this” I mean “cancer”,  I am going to do it, and as I said in my previous posts, I pray that God uses me for a greater purpose. I don’t want to be average, I don’t want to be used to do average things, I want to be great! I want to do amazing things for the kingdom. So whatever this is, whatever comes of the next couple weeks I am going to praise the Lord because I know that he will put me right where he wants me.  Like I said I am so thankful for the prayers, texts, notes, and messages. They help me keep it in perspective and remind me that when I don’t know what to pray that it’s ok, because I have so many others who are keeping me in their prayers.  

Dante has been so good about putting my mind at ease, he reminds me to just take one day at a time, and one appointment at time. That is all we can do at this point. So today we wait. I wait for my awesome mom to get her butt here so we can have an awesome night, and then I will get up tomorrow morning and head to work like I normally would, and then I will meet a new doctor. I will get yet another opportunity to share my story, my life, and my situation with someone else. So pray. Pray that I sleep, and that tomorrow goes as smoothly as possible. Pray that I am calm, and that I clearly explain what is going on, and also that I understand everything that the doctor has to say. Pray that whatever comes of all of this, good, bad or indifferent that I clearly see the Lord’s hand molding this situation into something beautiful. It is hard to see beauty in this right now, but God is still Good, just like my last post says, he is good and he is ALWAYS good. I know whatever this is, is going to be used for his good. So I am ready, well as ready as anyone can be going through this J Thank you for allowing me to share what has been on my mind and heart lately.  I hope you all have an amazing week, and I will update you when I have some more information, and results.

God Bless,

Ellie