I
think I have started this post 100 times, and I end up not completing it
because I cant seem to do this last year justice. So much has happened, and I
want to talk about it all but my goal is not to bore you, hence my delay in
posting. So here is my attempt to catch you up on “life, love, and other
mysteries”….. (point of grace humor… hopefully you got it)!!
This
is my first post as Ellie Bucci!! It is still so fun to say that.. I would like
to blame my lack of blogging 100% on the pre wedding prep, as well as the post
wedding “honeymoon phase”, but that wouldn’t be entirely true. I would have to
say that I have been somewhat at a loss for words. SHOCKER… I know. You see I
have said it before and I will say it again.. I want you to know and understand
me, not a facebook belief of who I am and how my life is going, but really me.
It is easy to put up the fun pictures of our incredibly precious house, and all
our fun trips; however it is a little more difficult to verbalize, and portray
the things that you don’t see. Please understand me correctly what you see on
facebook is the real deal. I love my husband more than words will ever express,
I love our house, our dog, and I am honestly the happiest I have ever been. So
please keep that all in perspective as you read this post.
You
see Dante and I have been together for almost 3 years. He has been here with me
through 2 surgerys/cancer scares, so one would think having dealt with these
things in our dating and engagement that they would be non issues once we got
married.. Things would all stay the same. This is not the case, while Dante has
remained the constant, and even more of servant, more loving, and more caring
than I could have ever imagined I had in my mind different expectations on
myself. I think any newly wed woman can relate to my expectations. I wanted to
be the perfect wife.. you know the one who has life together, laundry done,
dinner planned out, happy ALWAYS, and to my surprise I wasn’t living up to my
standard of perfection. I think it became glaringly obvious oh maybe the
morning after our wedding. I got pretty sick the day before my wedding, and
remained sick through our honeymoon and early months of marriage. A week after
we got back from our honeymoon I had my first treatment as Ellie Bucci, and
also my first appointment with Dr. Finke as a married woman. It felt like our
first appointment all over again. We talked about so many things. My blood
levels had slowly been dropping and we had been putting off making changes till
after our wedding. I don’t think I
was quite as aware of where my levels were at but to spare you the details they
hadn’t been that low in almost 2 years. She gave me two options. To either
increase my dose or decrease the time between treatments. I was on a six week
plan and by decreasing my time between treatments she wanted me to start coming
every 5 weeks. It was my first major medical decision as a married woman and I
felt horrible. I felt like saying, “ok honestly you couldn’t have just given us
a little time”, “why couldn’t it just be easy, we just got back from our
honeymoon, and we already have to make yucky decisions”. Well it gets worse…
she then started talking through fertility. Let me make this clear… WE ARENT
PREGNANT…. Hahaha but prior to our wedding there was never any question of
pregnancy or getting pregnant therefore Dr. Finke and I hadn’t really talked
about it. Well now that we are married it was something that needed to be
talked through. She said that she doesn’t advise any of her patients to get
pregnant unless in remission. So of course my first questions was “have I ever
been in remission”? to which she answered, “NO”.
Remember
in that very first appointment when I felt like the walls were closing in… well
it was kind of ironic that we were in the exact same room, and those very same
walls were suffocating me. I kinda wanted her to just stop talking, not because
I was mad at her, but because I was mad at what she was saying. If you know
Dante and I you know that we LOVE children and for anyone to imply that
children wouldn’t be a good idea was like a kick in the stomach, and while she
wasn’t saying it was a never gunna happen kinda thing, it still was not
something I wanted to think about.
As
a new wife I felt like the furthest thing from perfect. I felt more like a
burden than anything else. Here we had only been married for 2 weeks and we
were already talking about more treatments, which translates to more sick time,
more nausea, more fatigue, and more melt downs. This was Not my idea of the
honeymoon phase to be honest. I have to remind myself that God knew. This isn’t
a surprise to him.
So
In Gods perfect timing a few days after treatment and the appointment with Dr.
Finke Dante sent me my morning bible verse… This is not something out of the
norm, he started sending me morning bible verses early on in our dating
relationship… and this one could
not have been any more perfect! It was exactly what I need. The verse was,
2 Corinthians 12:9
9 But he said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ”
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that
Christ’s power may rest on me.
In
remission, or not… God’s grace has to be sufficient, and I will NEVER be the
perfect wife. However if through this weakness I can bring glory to God and
show just how good and perfect his will is.. then I am gunna boast all the more
gladly about the trials of my physical weakness.
I
think satan hates to see all the incredible things that God is doing through
Dante and I. Therefore he thinks that he can bring us down by throwing all this
junk in our path. Well I am here to tell you that inspite of the meltdowns, and
the hard days. I have a husband who is darn near perfect, and I have never felt
so blessed. God knew before I was born all that was going to happen. He brought
an incredible man along side me to help bare these burdens and I am so
grateful. For now we are enjoying all that the Lord has blessed us with, and
the other stuff well we will take it as it comes! God is faithful, and his Love
endures FOREVER : )
I
am really going to try and keep blogging! I have lots more updates to talk
about but I wanted to fill you in on the latest… This week was treatment so
pray for a quick recovery! God Bless you all!!!
