Life Recently

Last night was another awesome night at bible study. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord puts things like this study in my life at just the right time. The women that I am seated with and the study we are working through are just incredible. I mentioned the concept of the study in my last post, it is about life’s interruptions. Obviously it goes without saying, my biggest interruption is this disease, but there are all sorts of other interruptions that the Lord has been throwing my way, and I have been working and processing through each of these interruptions as they come. Some have taken longer to process than others, but I pray that you find encouragement through this post because we all have “stuff”, and while some is big, and some is small, it is stuff and it matters to us. So I will share some of mine with you!!!  

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago, and last week Friday I was just having one of those days… you know the “woe is me” kind of days.  My sweet friend Evelyn called me in her office, sat me down and she said in her own perfect way, “Ellie ooouuuppppp”.. (That is what she calls me it is typically spelled ALLY OUP). “What’s your problem today …you just look sad”, which of course made me sob. As I looked at her, I tried so hard to verbalize what I was thinking, and what I was feeling, but it was just hard; hard because I felt vain, and because I have beat myself up about feeling  that way. Those of you who know Ms. Evelyn know that she wants nothing more than for you to share your heart and your hurts with her.  She is such an awesome listener and she truly cares and will pray you through anything that you are going through. So I looked at her and explained to her that I walk around and everyone keeps saying, “Your hair is so cute, I love your Hair, Oh MY GOSH LOOK at your Hair.” Or I have also gotten the brutally honest, which I am so grateful for.  It’s the, “Ellie I just couldn’t tell you that it was getting bad but it was”.  You would think it would hurt to hear, which I would be lying to say that it didn’t, but I LOVE THE HONESTY.

Lindsey my hair dresser, told me 8 weeks ago when I went in and saw her, “Ellie next time you come in we have to cut it.” It was as hard for her to say, as it was for me to hear. She has cut my hair for going on 5 years now, and she is well aware, as many of you are that I LOVE my long hair, and so 2 weeks ago when we talked hair styles it was no shock to look at her through the mirror and see tears streaming down her face right along with me.  It’s hard for me, not because of the hair, I mean yes I love it long, but it is hard because every time I look in the mirror, I see and feel the reasons as to why I cut it. I hear it all the time,  “Ellie Looking at you I would never know you are sick, or you have dealt with all this stuff” which I am glad about. That is what I want J. But for me I see it and I feel it, and so I look and see short hair, and think this is because of this medicine and this is because my body is doing everything in its power to fight against me. While all the while I am putting chemicals in my body that are not only killing off the bad stuff, it is killing off the good stuff, the stuff that I was holding so tightly to.

My heart and my attitude have not changed from my last post, I am more excited than ever to see how God is going to use this and also to know that he is using it all for something awesome, and beautiful.  I am hopeful and positive, but I have weak moments. I guess that is what I am trying to convey. A lady at bible study asked me last night, “Do you ever have rough moments, or moments where you aren’t positive, because you just seem so positive all the time”, and the answers was a most definite YES. But I explained to my table, that those moments that suck the most, when I sit in Sweet Evelyn’s office and sob about my hair, those are the moments that God pours his love over me. Those not so fun moments, are the moments when me and the Lord have our most intimate conversations. Moments like those, and ones that I am sure I will have at some point today, or later this week. They are the moments were I “get real” with the Lord.  If I didn’t have moments like this I wouldn’t cling to him like I do.  I don’t have it all together, I get sad, and that is ok. We have to take the hard stuff one moment at a time, and the hair well….It is growing on me J figuratively and literally!!! I so appreciate all your encouragement with the hair transition. To some it may seem so trivial, and honestly that is why I had a hard time verbalizing its because I know that it is just hair, and that it will grow. It is just a little bit deeper than that for me though; If that makes any sense at all?

On the way to my hair appointment, Dante, tender hearted Dante, grabbed my hand and said, “Love, just think about it like this, even the prettiest of trees, and bushes need to be pruned. They have to cut away the bad stuff so that they can grow back beautiful, and so we are going to get the bad stuff cut off, and I know that it is going to grow back beautiful”. He is such a Love. That is what I am talking about, it is the moments where I am so sad, where the Lord gives me amazing blessings like that. I am blessed beyond measure, and Held so tightly in the palm of God’s hand.

One of my special blessings for the week was of course my valentine!!! I am going to attach a fun picture of the date night! Dante made a reservation at an awesome restaurant called Shoemakers and we had such a great night talking about the last 12 months that we have had together. For those of you that don’t know, last year on Valentine’s Day, after weeks of talking at work he asked me to attend one of his basketball games. February 14, 2010 was the first time we ever hung out. So while February 14^th is already a special day to most, it is extra special to us!!! I am so lucky to have him, he has brought more joy into my life than I can put into words!! God is so good and I am so thankful!!!!!

I hope this post finds you all well!! Thank you all for continued prayers, and support. I am so encouraged by all of you!

God Bless,

Ellie

Life Interrupted

in·ter·rupt  ( n t -r pt )

v. in·ter·rupt·ed, in·ter·rupt·ing, in·ter·rupts

v.tr.

1. To break the continuity or uniformity of: Rain interrupted our baseball game.

2. To hinder or stop the action or discourse of (someone) by breaking in on: The baby interrupted me while I was on the phone.

I wanted to make sure the definition was clear right from the start!!!! Interruptions have been on my mind lately. Not whether or not there are interruptions in life, but what to do when you are faced with them.

I haven’t always been a planner well they type of planner that has each hour accounted for with every I and T of the day dotted and crossed, but since about middle school its became apparent to me that life was just easier for me to handle if I had a plan. It was about the same time that I realized how easy it was for my world to come crashing down the second “MY PLAN” didn’t go just the way I had written it out in my day timer. I vividly remember sitting in the passenger seat on the way home from school, crying my eyes out because there was an unexpected change that was thrown into the day. There was an “interruption” if you will.

I have said it numerous times in a few different posts, that “God is right on time”. Maybe not always when I am expecting him to show up, or be there, but never the less he is always there, and his timing is perfect. Interruption’s they are always on time too. It’s how I deal with those interruptions, the uncomfortable ones, that don’t seem to fit into your routine.  It is those moments that have and will continue to define me.

If you read this blog you know that I have a daily, interruption called ulcerative colitis, and some days if that isn’t a big enough interruption I have things like cancer scares. More like cancer terrors.

A month ago I was given that interruption, yes you heard me correctly I was ALLOWED that interruption. I didn’t ask for it but I got it. It is so crazy to think it was 4 weeks ago, because time seems like it has stood still these last couple of weeks. Maybe that is why it has taken me so long to blog about it, because I truly feel like it has only been a few days.

I had a biopsy 2 weeks ago Friday, and I still feel it, it still hurts and it was so much different than I anticipated. The incision was about 4 inches, and they removed the whole lymph node. They sent it to be tested, and by God’s mercy and grace it came back negative. When I got the news that it wasn’t cancer my mom and I just sat there and cried, and thanked God for all of the love and support that I had received not only from my family, but from my spiritual family around the world. I got messages from my family in Hungary, from people I work with, people from WI, California, Kentucky, and all over. It was amazing. There is no greater feeling than knowing that you have a world of people praying you through this huge trial. The concept of “baring one another’s burden” never felt so real. The day before the surgery my mom and I were talking, and she asked me what is was thinking, and what I was feeling about everything. There were so many thoughts and feelings I had.

 I think I tried to talk myself into being ok, being fine with whatever the outcome.  When in reality I was freaking out, haha wish I could have kept that a secret but I am sure everyone knew it.

 The fact of the matter and the reason for the definition above is this; cancer would have been an interruption. The tests were, the surgery was, the waiting game was, none of it was written in my day timer, and it defiantly wasn’t in my life plan. Ulcerative colitis has been, and still is an interruption, and I think now more than ever I am faced with a choice. My mom’s famous quote growing up “ATTITUDE IS A CHOICE”!! When I was a kid I thought YEAH RIGHT… NO WAY.. but of course like always she’s got it right.  I have a choice in this to allow it to cripple me, or I have the choice to allow the interruptions to be divine interventions. God has used all this.  There is no question in my mind of that. He proves that to me every minute of every day.  I have the choice to see God work in this, and I know he will. This cancer scare was so eye opening for me.

My bible study started on Tuesday nights, and it is on the book of Jonah. It talked about the interruptions that Jonah had, hence my usage of the word nine million time’s  (Thank you Priscilla Shirer). It talked about the choices Jonah made when given the task by the Lord to go to Ninevah and reach a hopeless place.  Jonah was called by God to breathe life into a world of hopeless people. This bible study, in just one week has been MOMNUMENTAL in my life, and my perspective on so many events over the last few months.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I WANT TO BE USED WHATEVER that means. Cancer, Ulcerative colitis, with everything in me I believe and know that 2 weeks ago, that if the biopsy came back positive for cancer, it would have felt like it was an interruption, but now two weeks later I say with confidence that is would have been DIVINE INTERVENTION. I asked you to pray for beauty, because I couldn’t see beauty in it, however I knew that God would be capable of molding all this in to something amazing, something beautiful, but I couldn’t see it at the time. Well I am happy to tell you that, while I am still sore, and still trying to figure what’s going on, IT IS BEAUTIFUL J .

My hope is in the Lord, and if this is how he uses me, then we will take it one test, scan, biopsy at a time. I would be lying if I said I would love every minute of it, because I don’t, but I can tell you this, I feel more ready now than ever to handle this ulcerative colitis stuff. I can tell you last week I had treatment and while it was still its normal bear of an issue. I walked in with a hope, with a peace, and with an understanding that while I don’t feel beautiful in those frumpy hospital gowns and it doesn’t feel fun to use my port, and get medicine, it’s been great to talk to doctors, to nurses, and to other patients getting treatment about life, and how the Lord has used my life.  It has been BEAUTIFUL.  I feel hopeful having the opportunity to have U.V.A as my mission field. Right now my mission field is the doctors and nurses who are helping me through life, and through my physical issues. I want them to see the joy that I have found in my Lord and Savior. While I would love to be in a warm, country somewhere telling people about Jesus. God has put me in this place because he finds me most useful right here. SO I CHOOSE IT, I choose to handle this and view these interruptions as my opportunity to share Christ with others. Honestly if you are looking for some sad sad people just go to the waiting room of U.V.A.  Wow!!!  There are sad and hopeless people there.  There are doctors and nurses who are sad, and who have to give horrible news to people every day.  This is my Nineveh  I have prayed for it, I have asked you all to pray for it, so I will accept it. I asked to Lord to use me, and I have never felt more confident in my circumstances. I am in a good place, me and Lord we are close I have never felt closer. We have gotten to a point where I don’t have to start all my prayers with “Dear Lord”… hahaha I mean don’t get me wrong I do start a lot of them like that, but I have gotten to the point of communication with him where it is like, “Hey my incision hurts, there is no earthly thing that will make it feel better, can you cut me some slack ,” or “Thank you for that blessing”, it is so good to be at this place. God is so fulfilling even in the hard stuff He is so good, and I am thankful.  KEEP THE INTERRUPTIONS COMING!!!!   

THANKYOU ALL!!  I haven’t cried to much writing this post, but typing the words “Thank You” makes me cry, because I cannot express into words how thankful I am. A blog post doesn’t do it justice. I felt your prayers, really I did. My family felt your prayers. Your messages, and your texts made it manageable, it has helped me get through the last month, and it has helped me get to a place that I hope I don’t ever move away from. I love you all so much!!! If you are in Wisconsin, or Midwest I hope you aren’t lost in a pile of snow somewhere!! LOVE YOU GUYS, and Thank you for letting me share my heart. There is something so therapeutic in writing what I feel, and what the Lord is teaching me SO THANK YOU!!

I see the surgeon again today and we are going to check on this incision, and then I see Doctor Finke to get a plan in place to try and figure out what is going on with all these other symptoms. So if you could keep me on your prayer list!!!!