Treatment Week :)

“For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of love, power and sound mind.”

                                                                                                -2 Timothy 1:7

I have been saying this verse over and over and over in my head.  I love verses like this because it is small but packs a big punch.  Like I said in my last blog one of my spiritual struggles is worry.  It is something that the Lord and I wrestle with on a daily basis. Yesterday Dr. Finke and I talked about a few different issues that I had been dealing with.  Her solution was to increase the amount of Remicade that I am receiving by 50%!! Her hope is that it will last longer, and make me feel better between treatments. Honestly, I wish that I could say I took the news like a champ, but I didn’t.  It freaked me out, and it made me think of all sorts of things.  Will more hair fall out?  Will I be sicker longer after the infusions? etc. etc.

I asked Dante last night how he would feel about me having no hair, and he said, “I think you would look hot with a G.I Jane cut”.  I didn’t agree, but at least it made me laugh. Something about the hair changing makes me sad, but like my mom always says, “this is only a season”. Sometimes I can talk myself into believing that and then other times I allow it to get the best of me. The week of treatment is always hard, I get really tired, everything seems to bother my stomach, and what we sometimes laugh about is that I cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes it is truly something that a normal person would cry over and then other times I drop a cup of water on the floor and lose it, and it is in those times that we just have look at and laugh about, and chalk it up to the necessity of Remicade.  Sometimes I wonder, “is this me needing treatment or is this me turning into my mother”.  It is me needing treatment I PROMISE. J  Even with all this pain and the frustration of not feeling like myself, the Lord has given me so many things to be happy  about this week. I woke up this morning and Ben my brother had made me eggs and toast. I have been so tired in the mornings, and it has been really hard for me to get out of bed in time to grab something for breakfast. So when I walked out of my room, he popped up from around the corner holding a plate of breakfast and says, “HEY! HELLO…Good morning, I made you breakfast”.  It was like I almost startled him.  I laughed so hard, but it was sweetest thing ever.  It was exactly what I needed at just the right time. Thank you Lord!!!! J 

Church last Sunday was amazing.  I truly believe that the Lord is using Pastor Suites’ sermon to get me through this week as well. He talked about how sometimes we feel like we are so insignificant and how at times we feel like we have nothing to offer, whether it be monetarily, physically, mentally, or spiritually. We find ourselves doubting our worth, and doubting the ability we have to be world changers. God used this sermon to reassure me, He will meet me where I am. Even in these weeks where I feel the worst He will use me, if I just let Him, and trust that He knows what He is doing and He knows what I can handle.

It has been a tough couple of days, but there is no doubt that the Lord is carrying me through each one of them.  He will be right there with me on Friday, and this coming weekend when everything seems to be a blur.  

Another verse that I have clung to over the last couple months is this and I will close this post with it.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
                                                                                                                                                        -2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Allow him to meet you where you are and to use the life you have been given to help those around you. God Bless each of you!!!

 ~Ellie