Life Recently

Last night was another awesome night at bible study. It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord puts things like this study in my life at just the right time. The women that I am seated with and the study we are working through are just incredible. I mentioned the concept of the study in my last post, it is about life’s interruptions. Obviously it goes without saying, my biggest interruption is this disease, but there are all sorts of other interruptions that the Lord has been throwing my way, and I have been working and processing through each of these interruptions as they come. Some have taken longer to process than others, but I pray that you find encouragement through this post because we all have “stuff”, and while some is big, and some is small, it is stuff and it matters to us. So I will share some of mine with you!!!  

I got my hair cut a few weeks ago, and last week Friday I was just having one of those days… you know the “woe is me” kind of days.  My sweet friend Evelyn called me in her office, sat me down and she said in her own perfect way, “Ellie ooouuuppppp”.. (That is what she calls me it is typically spelled ALLY OUP). “What’s your problem today …you just look sad”, which of course made me sob. As I looked at her, I tried so hard to verbalize what I was thinking, and what I was feeling, but it was just hard; hard because I felt vain, and because I have beat myself up about feeling  that way. Those of you who know Ms. Evelyn know that she wants nothing more than for you to share your heart and your hurts with her.  She is such an awesome listener and she truly cares and will pray you through anything that you are going through. So I looked at her and explained to her that I walk around and everyone keeps saying, “Your hair is so cute, I love your Hair, Oh MY GOSH LOOK at your Hair.” Or I have also gotten the brutally honest, which I am so grateful for.  It’s the, “Ellie I just couldn’t tell you that it was getting bad but it was”.  You would think it would hurt to hear, which I would be lying to say that it didn’t, but I LOVE THE HONESTY.

Lindsey my hair dresser, told me 8 weeks ago when I went in and saw her, “Ellie next time you come in we have to cut it.” It was as hard for her to say, as it was for me to hear. She has cut my hair for going on 5 years now, and she is well aware, as many of you are that I LOVE my long hair, and so 2 weeks ago when we talked hair styles it was no shock to look at her through the mirror and see tears streaming down her face right along with me.  It’s hard for me, not because of the hair, I mean yes I love it long, but it is hard because every time I look in the mirror, I see and feel the reasons as to why I cut it. I hear it all the time,  “Ellie Looking at you I would never know you are sick, or you have dealt with all this stuff” which I am glad about. That is what I want J. But for me I see it and I feel it, and so I look and see short hair, and think this is because of this medicine and this is because my body is doing everything in its power to fight against me. While all the while I am putting chemicals in my body that are not only killing off the bad stuff, it is killing off the good stuff, the stuff that I was holding so tightly to.

My heart and my attitude have not changed from my last post, I am more excited than ever to see how God is going to use this and also to know that he is using it all for something awesome, and beautiful.  I am hopeful and positive, but I have weak moments. I guess that is what I am trying to convey. A lady at bible study asked me last night, “Do you ever have rough moments, or moments where you aren’t positive, because you just seem so positive all the time”, and the answers was a most definite YES. But I explained to my table, that those moments that suck the most, when I sit in Sweet Evelyn’s office and sob about my hair, those are the moments that God pours his love over me. Those not so fun moments, are the moments when me and the Lord have our most intimate conversations. Moments like those, and ones that I am sure I will have at some point today, or later this week. They are the moments were I “get real” with the Lord.  If I didn’t have moments like this I wouldn’t cling to him like I do.  I don’t have it all together, I get sad, and that is ok. We have to take the hard stuff one moment at a time, and the hair well….It is growing on me J figuratively and literally!!! I so appreciate all your encouragement with the hair transition. To some it may seem so trivial, and honestly that is why I had a hard time verbalizing its because I know that it is just hair, and that it will grow. It is just a little bit deeper than that for me though; If that makes any sense at all?

On the way to my hair appointment, Dante, tender hearted Dante, grabbed my hand and said, “Love, just think about it like this, even the prettiest of trees, and bushes need to be pruned. They have to cut away the bad stuff so that they can grow back beautiful, and so we are going to get the bad stuff cut off, and I know that it is going to grow back beautiful”. He is such a Love. That is what I am talking about, it is the moments where I am so sad, where the Lord gives me amazing blessings like that. I am blessed beyond measure, and Held so tightly in the palm of God’s hand.

One of my special blessings for the week was of course my valentine!!! I am going to attach a fun picture of the date night! Dante made a reservation at an awesome restaurant called Shoemakers and we had such a great night talking about the last 12 months that we have had together. For those of you that don’t know, last year on Valentine’s Day, after weeks of talking at work he asked me to attend one of his basketball games. February 14, 2010 was the first time we ever hung out. So while February 14^th is already a special day to most, it is extra special to us!!! I am so lucky to have him, he has brought more joy into my life than I can put into words!! God is so good and I am so thankful!!!!!

I hope this post finds you all well!! Thank you all for continued prayers, and support. I am so encouraged by all of you!

God Bless,

Ellie