Post Treatment Blog -- a.k.a Ellie uncut haha :)

Today was treatment; I don’t think I have ever blogged on a treatment day so bare with meJ.  Typically weeks 5 and 6 going into treatment are extremely rough.  I am tired, worn out, easily sad, and just not myself and I wish I could say the last two weeks weren’t like that, but sadly they were just the same as always.

The one thing that was different about the last 2 weeks was, to be honest, I was seriously dreading treatment. Wish I had a reason why, but I don’t know.  I mean I don’t like treatment, never have.  It just makes me feel so yucky, but I know about 3-5 days post treatment I feel so much better.  So, because I know that, I usually welcome treatment with open arms, but about a week ago I was just feeling horrible, and I looked and Dante and said… “is it weird that I just don’t want to go?  I don’t want to do it.  I don’t want to use my port.  I don’t want to get pumped full of meds and I don’t want to feel horrible afterward”.  Of course he understood and he quickly reminded me of how much it helps post treatment and I just need to focus on that.  The truth is, sometimes it is just hard.

On the way to treatment it has become a tradition to listen to one of my favorite Christian artist’s Kari Jobe.  She has a version of the song, Healer. It is one of my very favorite songs, and it helps me bring it all back and remember how amazing our God is and how capable he is of healing me.

I have to tell you today and the last couple of weeks for some reason I have just been longing for healing. Praying for it, hoping for it and almost pleading with the Lord for it.  I have never felt like this before. I mean yes, I have asked God to heal me, and I don’t want ulcerative colitis, but recently I have just really really wished for it.

Today’s treatment went as well as can be expected. My port was accessed on the first try, which in and of itself was such a huge praise. The Lord knew that today of all days was not a day for my port to act up. None the less I cried a lot today. My sweet nurses felt so bad, and they hadn’t even done anything for me to cry but I just cried. I was so anxious about my port not working, and about not feeling well that the tears just streamed down my face, and even with just one attempt any time you try and access my port it just hurts.

I guess the reason why I am writing about all this is just to let those of you with “stuff”, that you are not alone.  I often think about people who don’t have their hope in the Lord.  My heart breaks for those people.  I struggle with him, but at least I have him. That alone gets me through.  He is my strength, and just like Kari Jobe sings ….”He holds my every moment”, and so I trust him.  You have to, even when I don’t want to have treatment and when I beg for healing, I have to trust him.  I am resting in his promises tonight, and I trust that you know if you are struggling with something whether it is physical, or emotional, you are prayed for.  Please remember, like I have had to tell myself all day, your pain is not in vain, he holds every tear, and he knows all your fears and frustrations.  He is using it all for his good even when you just don’t get it.

I had to tell you all that tonight because I really don’t know if I have ever had feelings like I have had over the last couple of weeks and hopefully it will encourage you. God has truly poured his blessings over me the last few weeks, and I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to talk with Him. Like I said, even though I want to be healed so badly, even in all the junk and the feeling bad, He shows me just how much he can use these struggles; I just have to let him.

I hope you all have a great night! Thanks for letting me share my heart!

God Bless,

Ellie